It's taken me a good couple of weeks to want to really talk much about a beautiful moment shared between mother and son- well, hardly beautiful. I know most of you have kids and- well, notice the plural- so I often find that when I talk about "kid" stuff I am so OUT of my league- and hardly have anything to say- but this day has possibly forever changed part of my outlook- on parenting, life and especially assumption and judgment of others.
E and I go to my friend Karlea's every Thursday for a special play date with our buddy Matthew- seriously- one of our favorite things to do these days. However, this day had been an especially L O N G day for the two of us. Upon our departure I put Elliott's shoes on- he willingly came over and helped me out and off we went. (I should have known better- it was way to good to be true- I should have known that something would be up if I didn't have to ask at least 10 times to come get his shoes on...) We were not 10 steps out of Karlea's door when E decided his shoes are just NOT WORKING for him. Instead of me thinking from a "it's been a long day, he's hungry, tired and worn out" mom perspective- I say "let's get to the car and I will take them off". The fit begins. What the heck? So I also (being wrong again- notice a pattern?) tell him that he can ask me to take them off nicely instead of yelling at me or I will not help him.
WRONG
My child has a good set of lungs (irony since mine bite the big one) he can yell and scream like he is being murdered. Eyes start too look out of windows- I look- blinds close- then open again a few seconds later. So I ask him to get in the car and we can work it out. Well, not gonna happen. So the super human mom in me picks my child up and at least gets him into the car- shut his door- realize I can't breathe- catch my breath and then proceed to get in. Ask him to buckle up so we can head home- you would have thought I asked him to hand over his right arm or something- seriously. He won't buckle up- so I think I am so brilliant and start to slowly drive down the little driveway- (at home he freaks out if he isn't buckled in quite yet- so I am thinking that he will buckle up out of fear) just screaming still. So I stop the car again- in front of a new set of homes and a few new sets of eyes- proceed to get out and go buckle up E. I tried but my little buddy is so STRONG- STRONG!!! I imagine that it looked like we were fighting- we were really just arm wrestleing- me trying to get his arms into his straps. I can not get his seat belt on- then- out comes a lady from her house to see if everything is "okay" out here. Seriously-??? By now- I am so frustrated that I am sad and can't breathe- she notices- tells me to take a minute for myself and she will stand with E. So I take a few steps away to catch my breath (and let Elliott think I'm leaving and have left him to be with a complete stranger-didn't work)- Elliott proceeds to yell at a complete stranger who is only being nice. As I look back now I can laugh out loud because- Seriously! He is screaming at this lady- he is so STUBBORN! Anyway- I look up to see multiple sets of eyes on me- curtains drawn. At this point- I would not be surprised to see a cop pull up to see if everything is "okay".
Anyway- I am a rambler- 50 minutes later, a phone call to Karlea (to come and physically strap E into his car seat for me), Don stopping by to help out and this total stranger hanging out with me telling me "honey, it's okay- we've all been there"- oh and did I mention- a complete break down? Oh forgot that part- yeah- breakdown. (Thanks to Karlea for not using it against me in the future.) We finally make it home- E knows he is in some serious trouble and totally compleys when I tell him that Dad will be out to get him- and head inside. Seriously?
Which brings me to a thought that has been on my mind quite a bit lately (yes- it took me that long to get to the point- I'm no writer). Assumption.
How easy is it to look at someone and assume something about them? To hastily put the value of some part of them in your hands? I know it is quite easy- I would be a complete hippocrite if I said I had never done this- everyone has- it is one of the easiest things to do- judge another person. I know what some of those eyes behind the blinds were thinking- at least I can imagine what I might have been thinking before I had a child. Assuption is a terrible terrible thing.
I KNOW that every single person that has lived or ever will live on this earth will go through something equally as hard as the hardest thing another will go through. Some have kids throwing fits that they have absolutely no control whatsoever of, others have health problems, some have financial burdens, some have terrible marriages, the list goes on and on....
The interesting part is that if we would just open our eyes to others and see that we are all on an equal playing field I think the whole world would be a better place.
The other day a lady I thought I knew at least a little bit and I thought that knew me a little bit said the funniest thing about my car being extravagantish (I have a Jeep mind you- nothing too extravagant- other than the fact that I drive a stinking SUV in CA- it's the Idahoan in me- seriously- can't give it up.) and then I said something about Kmart and something I bought there- she says "You shop at Kmart?" uhh- yeah? "What a silly thing to say"- I think. Then she says- "I didn't think you would shop at Kmart." Well- Hello? What a silly thing to say again. I then am a little annoyed and say "you really don't know me" and she looks puzzled and says something like "I guess not". Frankly- I shop at Kmart, I shop at the Salvation Army- come spend a day with me and get to know me and you will know that I am not "that guy".
Semi dumb example but then and there (this is when the whole "assumption thinking" began) I realized that I was being judged and things were being assumed about me based on the kind of car I had, where I lived, and probably my home that we were in at the time. If you know Craig and I- I would hope that you would also know that our home is open to anyone- anytime, that we have offered our cars to others to borrow if they needed them, that the somewhat seemingly "material" things in our lives don't really mean that much to us and....
Funny thing? I would give up my clothes, my car, my home, the place that I live- well, pretty much everything except the people in my life to be able to have my own children and have a good set of lungs that worked and that helped me to put my kid into his car seat when he is throwing a massive tantrum in front of a gazillion homes where they too are assuming something that probably isn't true about me too.
I know that since these thoughts I have been VERY careful about the things I think of others and when I assume that someone's life is completely "cush" and that they have no worries of their own- that I am doing just that- assuming. Then I will remember that their life is or will be just as hard for them as my life and the things that I go through are for me. Then, I know- we really are all the same.
Whew.
Oh yeah-
M- this is for you- thanks for making me laugh.
To assume is making an ass out of u and me. Ha Ha. I know.
16 comments:
Oh Carly, All I can say is, I love you even more. I can't count the number of times I've been appalled at a mother because of her child's behavior or hers toward her child, and then been in multiple situations where I'm sure people are appalled at me. We truly have no idea what other people are dealing with. Love, a woman with extremely stubborn children.
Sorry, mussman is Dallin. I didn't realize I was signed in under his name. The above comment is from Tricia.
the good news is, he has a strong temper.. which kids in this generation need. I see some of the things that Michael is expose to.. that I didn't know even existed at his age. Plus "E" has the best mom and Dad in the world!!( I know that for a fact!!)
Carly - I think you've taught us (well at least me) some great lessons: 1)You can never predict how your child will react from one situation to the next. 2)Judge not lest ye be judged. 3)Good friends, as well as strangers will sometimes help us through difficult times. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I'm at work...I'm not suppose to be crying, but I loved it. Our family wouldn't be the same without you. I'm so glad you are married to Craig and that I get to have you as a sister. Love you~
I have a tear also.. thanks for sharing.. You are the best.. Elliott is the best, temper and all.. Craig is a lucky dad and husband.. We are a lucky family to have you in it.. I'm waiting to hear what was wrong with the shoes..
I'm sorry that you had to have such an experience but also grateful that you are sharing it with us. I have been many times an 'Assumption' gal. I agree with the grop - you and Craig are amazing and Scott and I love your family and all the Streiffs. You make Scott and I better people and we are so lucky to know you and be included!
I am always amazed at the things people will say if Trevor is having a hard time - "can't you control that brat"; another person after yelling at me about my obnoxious child disturbing people- "I raised 6 kids and never had one throw a fit like that" and on and on......
Well Carly, so you know I have allways just assummed great things about you as a mom, wife and friend. You have had difficult things to overcome as you mentioned in your blog. Amy and I have allways been so impressed with your ability to be concerned about others and offer your help. When you saw an opportunity for Amy to make some extra money doing swim lessons you like jumped right on that and you didn’t need to. I have allways assummed really good things about you just so you know and I think im right on with my assumtion. We have experienced some of that assuming thing from people recently as we have found so many people seem to assume we should discredit our little Joseph as a person. Just because he was 4 months premature due to a medical condition that had nothing to do with him and didn’t survive doesn’t mean he isnt ours and cant be counted. It is funny how people assume we are crazy to even try to remember him. But what do they know. Now that we have lost our first, I feel very sensitive to your comment regarding the things you would give up to be able to have kids. We are now allways wondering if we will be able to make it through a complete pregnancy or if the same thing will allways happen and a perfectly health baby will just come to soon to make it. Thanks for your blog. Wow sorry for the long comment
Wow Carly. What a tough day! I wish I lived closer so I could help you out when you are having a hard day. I love you so much and I love your little family. I am sorry you had to have an eye opener. Those are never easy!
Wow, Carly, thank you for that. It is always refreshing (don't know if that is the word really) when people are real on their blogs. Sometimes I feel things are so sugarcoated. I remember my mom telling me in church once when people's kids are being wild that that will be me someday. That helped me be understanding and now I understand more that I have a little one. Thanks for your realness! Hope to see you when you guys are up here!
wish you and I were neighbors when I lived back east! could've used a friend with your sense of self and of life when my oldest was throwing her thrice weekly tantrums in public ... ALWAYS! I'm so glad someone offered to help you. Thank heaven for random helpers (I think they are angels). There seems to be lots of them here in California, and I love it!
I can definetly relate to the tantrums. My kids have done that, and people will give their nasty glares, or oppinions. What a day. That day you saw me at OCC Lab School, I was totally bawling, after I left Kaden in there, screaming. Carly, you are one of the sweetest people I know. Thanks for being my friend, and all the help. Our last scenario, in your freezer. :)
Carly - I had to laugh when I read this not because what you went through was funny but because I have totally been there!
My Kids keep me humble. They teach me patience, and make my life amazing! But there are always "those days" that teach you new things about yourself and your kids.
Thank you for sharing and for the great reminder to never assume or judge another.
Love you!
Celeste
Carly,
I loved the post. I loved that you were totally honest because it seems like most of the time people don't talk about the hard times. I think sharing those things definitely makes us more understanding and kinder to others. It makes us realize that everyone goes through struggles just like us and we are all human. Instead of judging others we should offer a helping hand. You ROCK! Keep up the good work. I think you're doing an awesome job with E.
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